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Sunday, May 21, 2006

Why English Teachers Die Young...


While sifting through the myriad of forwards sent by my father (is this a father trait? They sit around all day forwarding e-mails?) I ran across this one. I've never seen it before so I don't know if it is legit or has been around for a while, but I thought it was hilarious!

Every year English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.....

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar Eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes Around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a Dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Must have just left Math class)

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.


What's your favorite?

...Fiona...

7 touched me

Blogger ames pondered...

Those are so funny. My mom just had to come downstairs to see what I was hysterically laughing at. They were all so funny, I can't pick which one is the best-when I try to reread them I just crack up all over again.

LOL

5/21/2006 04:36:00 PM  
Blogger Fickle Fiona pondered...

Okay, I'm finally going to decide.

Funniest: #10

Most Likely To Use: #19

Most Likely To Use As An Example to Students: #6

Linc's Favorite: #20 (Hey, should I take offense??)

...Fi

5/21/2006 05:21:00 PM  
Blogger Daisy Dexter Dobbs pondered...

These are hysterical, Fiona! Way too hard to pick just one as a favorite. Thanks for providing a good laugh! ;-)

FYI--I just posted a comment under your 5-19 “Throwing a Party” post.

5/21/2006 06:43:00 PM  
Blogger Fickle Fiona pondered...

Glad you enjoyed them Daisy.

...Fi

5/22/2006 04:07:00 PM  
Blogger CindyS pondered...

Having dogs and hearing them retch, I have to go with number 5 as funniest although 10 comes close.

You know what's scary, if the authors want to write funny I can see some of these working. eg 17, 18 and 20. Those I could see in a published book.

CindyS

5/23/2006 04:35:00 AM  
Blogger Holly pondered...

I have to say #22 is the funniest. Though 10 is a close second.

5/23/2006 04:46:00 PM  
Blogger Fickle Fiona pondered...

Cindy, I'm just gonna die when I see the rusted trap line in a book next year!

I've only heard cats retch, but if it's anything like that...

Holly, I'm still chuckling at the thought of a duck living through stepping on a land mine!

...Fio

5/23/2006 08:41:00 PM  

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